First published in the Baptist Times - 26 November 2009
What brings a lifelong atheist to the point of deciding that God can’t be ignored?
With hindsight, Bob Thorpe, who describes himself as a cynical Yorkshireman, says, ‘For years God was standing outside my life, knocking at the door,’ but for 75 of those years Bob dismissed the concept of God.
He couldn’t dismiss the concepts of life and death so easily, having a fascination with nature and a series of ‘close shaves with death!’
Born in 1927, he survived a near bomb-blast, potentially fatal accidents while working on the railways and laying gas pipes, and being attacked with a cut-throat razor in a fight. ‘For the first time then I thought about death. I imagined it like a deep sleep but with no awakening.
‘I didn’t have faith in God but I respected people who had; the Christians I met had a kind of inner peace, but it was something I couldn’t make myself believe in.
‘When I met my wife Jean, she and her two sons - who are both ministers now - and all her family and friends were Christians. No one ever pressured me. They and a lot of other people were praying for me over the years, to come to God, but I never knew it.
‘I’d take Jean to church sometimes but I wouldn’t go in. It wasn’t for me. I’d have felt uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to pretend.
‘The only thing that made me think was my nine-year old grandson. He was worried about me, that I wouldn’t be in heaven with him, and he asked me why I didn’t believe in God.
‘I said that not everyone believes, and he said would I think about it? So I said yes, I would. And having promised, I kept my word and I did think - about why I was uncomfortable with belief in God, why I had put up a barrier, and why I am alive.
‘It was just wanting to know a bit more that made me go along to an Alpha course. I didn’t want to join the church or anything; I just wanted to know what was putting me off.
‘They showed us a video the first night, and some of the things that were said about Christ made me think. I knew some of the story, about God coming down as Jesus, and Jesus being crucified. I found it strange hearing about miracles, but I saw it wasn’t impossible. If he is God, and creator of the universe, then all things are possible.
‘But the evening ended with a prayer and I was uncomfortable with that. I felt like a hypocrite, being there, and I thought I wouldn’t go back. But the second week was going to be a discussion so I gave it a chance, and the questions and answers were interesting. I decided I’d finish the course, otherwise it would be pointless.
‘I asked a lot of questions, and I still do. But I saw it was all right to have doubts and wonder about things. I had trouble believing in the existence of the devil. Then I saw that if you believe in God, who is good, you have to believe in the opposite.
‘The Alpha course included an away-day. I was struggling with the idea of being filled with the Holy Spirit and being forgiven for sinfulness: I didn’t know if that was possible really.
‘When the speaker started on about talking in tongues and laying on of hands for receiving the Holy Spirit, I ran away – I knocked over a chair on my way out, I was in such a hurry!
‘I stayed outside till they were finished. It was a lovely autumn day, blue sky, with these two silver birch trees – picturesque - and I felt at peace. Suddenly a lot of leaves started to fall off one of the trees, in a shower, very slowly – and there was no wind.
‘About thirty seconds later, the other tree shed a lot of its leaves in the same way, and I was still looking around to see where the wind was coming from. There was no wind at all. It was beautiful, all the leaves raining down like that.
‘Two girls came outside and I asked them if the praying was over and they said yes, and people had received the Holy Spirit and they all showed different signs. It was only afterwards that it came to me that this had been my sign – all those leaves! So I hadn’t escaped the Holy Spirit after all!
‘The minister started having one-to-one meetings with me and realized I still had this stumbling block about forgiveness of sins. He told me, “Before you come next week, write down all your sins on a piece of paper and bring it with you,” and I said, “The paper won’t be long enough!”
‘When I was writing the list, I thought of things I’d said and done and I was trying to leave some out, then I thought - who was I fooling? God knows it all. But when I saw it all there in print, it shocked me; I felt ashamed. ‘I gave the minister my list of sins and he read it.
‘What he did then I’ll never forget. He held up the paper and set fire to it, from the bottom. I could see the flame gradually eating its way up the page, line by line, all the words disappearing, till it was ashes.
‘It makes me cry even now, to think of it.
‘It’s not hard now to ask forgiveness from God. If you try to turn away from sin, he’ll help you.
‘I got baptized on June 1st 2003. Shortly afterwards Jean and I were out for a meal with the family and I had trouble swallowing. An endoscopy confirmed I had cancer of the oesophagus and I started treatment.
‘I thought whatever happened it was God’s will. I tried to think what it would have been like to cope with this if I didn’t have a faith, and I couldn’t remember what it felt like not to have faith! I felt at peace with my life, and that it was in the hands of God.’
Not all of Bob’s fellow Christians shared his assurance. ‘People were shaken, that the illness came so soon after my baptism, but because of the timing I was on a cloud of prayer just when I needed it.
‘My worst moment was when I saw myself in the mirror getting out of the bath in the hospital. I knew I’d lost weight – I’d gone from twelve stone to eight and a half – but I looked like something out of Belsen. That shook me.
‘The cancer was incurable because it was practically the full length of the gullet.’
That was five years ago and Bob is now 81. ‘I’ve put weight on again – a bit too much really; I’m twelve and a half stone! And I walk without a stick.
‘I’ve been going to the hospice once a week but that’s due to stop. I wanted to keep going as a volunteer, talking to the patients, but that’s not allowed so God must have something else for me to do. I’ve helped out a bit on the Alpha course.
‘They’ll never say I’m cured, and I’ve been warned that things can get bad again. But for now I live for the day. I’m in God’s hands, and I’m here.’
At Easter Bob spent a week away at a Christian festival. ‘I found myself with my hands in the air, during the praise,’ he confesses. ‘Me!’
