First published in the Baptist Times - OUTSIDE EDGE column - 5 Aug 2010
I was informing God of my major character flaws - mistrust and cynicism - hoping he’d take the hint and work faster on me, when I felt nudged towards Psalm 116 - ‘I trusted, even when I said, “No one is to be trusted.”’
I like this line and it’s always welcomed by people who have been seriously let down by human beings they trusted - a reminder that God actually requires us to trust only him, not fallible human beings, or even ourselves as judges of character. On this occasion I felt God was suggesting that, rather than asking him to zap my ungodly mistrust, I should trust him with my mistrust of certain people.
This is a tricky one. Telling God I mistrust his children doesn’t sound good to me. On the other hand, if he’s telling me to trust my mistrust, and trust him to be in there somewhere …..
I agree we should trust our instincts, which are a God-given gift. I sincerely regret the times I’ve had a gut feeling that someone isn’t quite the God-focused believer they’re claiming to be but have guiltily suppressed those ‘unchristian, uncharitable’ thoughts and have forced myself to take the person at face value. Or the times I’ve followed advice from someone ‘more qualified’ to hear God than me even when it conflicted with what I was (almost) sure I heard God tell me.
But I can’t always trust my instincts. One of the things I mistrust is Christians claiming to have the gift of discernment. I think God has discernment. What we have is nearer to prejudice. Like it or not, we hear him, the world and everyone, through a filter of our own culture and experience, and it needs to be stringently tested.
I have no guilt about mistrusting certain people. Weather forecasters. Politicians. Doorstep salesmen. Even televangelists. I flick through the God-channels like Simon Cowell with dyspepsia, muttering, “Man shouting/ man with hairgel shouting/ saccharine woman/ “Give us your money”/ man with gold watch shouting/ “Give us your money and be blessed”/ “Listen to me, I’m an expert” … oh, I’m going to watch The Simpsons.” But ordinary Christians, people trying sincerely to live a good life and follow Jesus Christ … if I don’t trust them, I feel terrible.
If God is asking me to trust him with my feeling that no one can be trusted, where do I start? I start with one person. I ask God to give me a key word that will sum up my root suspicion.
The first time I try this, it’s a shock. The person is someone whose confidentiality I don’t doubt, and the word that springs to mind is ‘gossip.’ This person doesn’t gossip. I know that, even without hearing their frequent assurances of the fact. They do sometimes loudly refrain from commenting when someone’s name is mentioned, or shift about restlessly, or raise an eyebrow or give an ironic half-smile. They don’t say anything. But they exude the knowledge of fascinating information not to be divulged. And that’s what worries me. I think gossip may be a mentality, a state of heart before ever it reaches the mouth, and even if it never does.
Someone else I find hard to trust, I bring to God and the word ‘dirty’ comes to mind. I have found myself backing away from them at times, not knowing why. I’ve chastised myself for being unfriendly and snobbish. They’re clean and well-dressed. But I get a strong sense that they feel unclean in themselves, don’t acknowledge it and are not going to deal with the cause. So I trust God with that. Please, make them clean. Then I won’t flinch when they hug me.
Once I’ve handed over two or three people, I realise I’m not universally mistrustful. There are people I trust. Some of them are quite messed up. But they know they are and they trust God to deal with them. In their company I find I can shelve my prejudice - provisionally - that ‘no one can be trusted,’ because I see glimpses in them of the God who is totally and infallibly trustworthy.
Clare Nonhebel’s new book ‘Finding Oasis’ publ. Authentic Media is now on sale in bookshops and online
